and spring brings fresh little puddles that makes it all clear

Epiphanies. I need a vacation. But I hate vacations because I never know what to do with my time. Classes are over, so that's nearly a vacation in itself. And I'm almost officially a senior in college which is decidedly one of the scariest things I've ever had to think about.

I've made some bad decisions in my life so far, mostly in the last three years. I've done things that I'm not necessarily proud of...things I wouldn't go shouting from the rooftops with wild abandon. But that doesn't mean I regret them and it doesn't mean I'd ever go back and un-do them. Whatever decision was made seemed perfect at the time and if I hadn't made that decision how would I be different right now? Even if I never get the closure that I'm searching for, I don't think it really matters. There's this stream that runs up in the Rockies, and it empties into a bigger stream and then to a river but never to the ocean...and I was thinking about this whole concept of closure and being "whole" again and I realized that maybe you don't have to make it to the ocean to be whole again. Maybe you'll never be quite what you were before and that's ok I think.

It's been quite a year...I can't even begin to put it into words. I think the big lesson in this whole year has been that there just isn't a resolve for many things. Life isn't about, "well if I just get over this peak, it's over." There are about 5,000 more peaks in the distance...and while that's scary, it's also pretty damn exciting.

Finally out of the woods,
Yenna Dough Tuna Tomsko :-)

but fire thought she'd really rather be water instead

I don't know if I'll ever really be able to keep still. It's just something I've never been particularly good at...staying in one place. Or staying with one person for that matter. Going to...my life is so much about where or what I'm going to. Instead of what is happening right now, in this moment, it's "what are we going to?" Maybe it's because I've spent the last three years of my life moving around and finding different homes and living in different rooms. And will soon be doing it again. Maybe it's because the one person who I ever wanted to stay with didn't want to stay with me. I don't like to commit and I don't want to settle down...it gives me hives to think about it. I hyperventilate and sweat and my mouth gets dry and I just can't do it. And it's not because I'm scared or running away or hiding. It's not a defense mechanism. I want it someday. Just not now.

The hard part of it, the bad part, the Jerry Springer show part is that you never really stop loving someone, no matter what they've done. There's always a piece of them inside you whether you like it or not.

It is beautiful outside! I can't wait till I can actually enjoy it! One more week of class, plus a presentation and two papers (that's three more Nova classes)...then I am done. Thank God. For reals. Come to the ensemble showcase tonight. We're fierce.

Hungrier than usual,
Jenna

and there's no sign of a parachute

You hear all these stories about angels that come and save certain people...they're beautiful stories. Really. But what about the mother whose child is viciously killed in cold blood by a psychopath on a murderous rampage? What were the angels smoking when that happened? What do you say? That their kid wasn't worthy? That it's all for the best or that God has a plan? Fuck that shit. I get so angry sometimes about the way of things. These stupid, senseless things that happen to innocent people. And to say "Thy will be done" just doesn't work anymore. It's hollow. How does that possibly comfort a parent that now has to exist in a world where her child doesn't?

I don't have the answers. About a lot of things. About most things. But I guess we have to understand and come to terms with the fact that the angels aren't there for everybody all the time. They get lost along the way. I wish I knew why they can't be there for everybody, but they just aren't. They can do amazing things but they can also really let us down sometimes.

There are times when you just have to surrender to the eternal need to be fulfilled. And that is fine...it's not giving up or giving in. You're not losing, you're gaining. I guess at some point you just have to let someone help you. It's not so bad actually.

Endlessly and eternally grateful,
Yenna

you know the truth lies in between the 1st and the 40th drink

Drunken moments...they're so few and far between these days but yet you never forget how to do it. Captain Morgan and I will not be hanging out again for quite some time. And I think it's better that way. Much better. I'm learning to let things go and drinking only brings all that old, ugly stuff to the surface. That whole twisted thing is over and for the first time I absolutely mean it.

History has recorded some pretty nasty things that have happened to people. I think we remember it. I think it's in our cells and I think it can still hurt sometimes. Crazy thought, huh?

Planning the recital...so many ideas! I know it's so far off but it's beginning to come together. It's just nesting for now and planting its seeds but I think it's going to be fabulous.

Inspired and alive,
Jenna :-)

but i believe in peace, bitch

That's the truth. Peace is my thing. Keeping the peace, staying out of the drama. This is what I'm good at (among other things). That being said, if you push the wrong buttons, peace flies out the window. Trust me, I am NOT afraid to get my ghetto out if the need arises. Before you start jumping to conclusions about me and my motives and what I said or didn't say, why don't you walk up to me and confront me about it FACE to FACE. Clearly, you're much too afraid and that's fine. It's your life...if you would like to continue losing friends then that's your decision. I do not spread lies...I think it's time to turn the mirror and decide who it is who's really spreading lies. If it makes you feel better about your life to ruin someone else's, more power to you. My opinions are just that...opinions. Whether you think they're right or wrong doesn't change the fact that they are MINE and I will not change them for anyone.

You can call someone evil because of something you think she's done to you. In your mind, you think that she's done something horrible and vindictive, and you don't look at the role you might have played in the situation. You know exactly what you're up to, even if you don't want to admit it.

Foolish symphonic concert...two more weeks. I can make it.

They came to turn our water off yesterday...who knew? Certainly not us. We've never gotten a bill so I think there was a miscommunication somewhere. Considering that water is a bare necessity...ya know, that whole thing where one requires it to live...should it not be free? Whatever. For now we have water so we're ok.

Awaiting drunkenness,
J-To

guess i'm way beyond the pale

Two halves equal a whole...not a difficult concept. When you're constantly searching for the other half to make your whole you forget to make sure that you, yourself, are all there. You get so far beyond yourself and suddenly your life is this other person and you wonder how you got there. You tell yourself, this is not where I intended to be. You thought you would be whole but then you realize that that's never really possible and then you're worse off than you were before. Now there's a whole chunk missing and you have to spend twice as much time repairing what's been taken away. You're pale. You're gone. The question then becomes, can you have two whole beings together, in a relationship? Because if you're whole to begin with then you can never really lose anything, right?

Sometimes we become so obsessed with making ourselves whole that we don't realize when we're taking away from the other people in our lives. I didn't mean to.

My friends and family will always be first...if I ever put anyone or anything in front of you when you are in need, slap me across the face and call me an asshole. I mean this.

LOST is fucking incredible, btw.

Lovingly loving you,
Yenna Dough :-)

father lucifer, you never looked so sane

I've decided that both heaven and hell can exist fully on earth, depending on your perspective that day. Ultimately, one little thing can turn your heavenly day into perfect hell...whether it's an offhand, insignificant remark that wasn't meant to be taken personally or a choir rehearsal that makes you want to tear your hair out. Or a crazy lady from North Carolina. All of a sudden you're having margaritas with the devil and you have no idea how you got there. And then all of a sudden he asks if you want to come in for coffee, and you're too damn scared to reject his invitation. Maybe I should learn to reject his advances.

Apparantly I'm a better actor than I think I am. This is encouraging. Maybe imperfection is what I'm looking for. I don't need perfect...who wants perfect? I'm much more interested in fucking up, trying again, and learning as I go. Maybe this time I won't fuck up. But then again, maybe I will. But that's what we're here for, right?

Junior cabaret = over. Hallelujah. I'm proud of us...the mighty eight.

So blogging? Do we like it? Either way, there will be NO dramatic readings.

Oversexed and underworked,
Jenna :-)