i know she's playing poker with the rest of the stragglers

Someone a lot smarter than me once said, "Don't put off until tomorrow that which you can do today." I don't know who said it, but still, very good advice. Trouble is, I'm feeling a little too much like Miss Scarlett lately. "I'll just think about it tomorrow." That's all well and good, except that the tomorrows keep coming and I never think about it. The other night, after scrubbing the smell of boneless wings and oriental salad dressing off of me, I sat counting my tip money and I got to thinking...maybe I don't need more. Maybe this is enough. WHAT??!!! Did I really just think that? This will never be enough. What happened to the girl who always wanted more? Who was never satisfied with just being normal? She's in here somewhere, right? I remember when the unknown was exciting...change was awesome and not knowing where you were going was fun. So when did it stop being fun and start being scary?

My new laptop arrived today! I'm a lucky gal :-) Question: How in the hell am I going to wait until FEBRUARY for a new episode of LOST??!!! How can the producers do this to us? I don't know about anyone else but I'm ready to personally telephone Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindeloff and tell them that they better have a new episode by October or I'm staging a protest. Question: What the hell happened on that island? What did Jack do that he feels so guilty about? Was he forced to let everyone else die in order to save himself and Kate? When he said "forgive me" on the bridge, who was he talking about? And Kate...who is the "he" that was waiting for her? Sawyer?? And who was in the casket? Ben? Locke? What happened to Juliette? How does Ben know that Naomi is an enemy and why is it bad that they contacted that ship? And is Charlie really gone for good? Oh and how does Locke know that Naomi isn't who she says she is? Sorry to the non-Losties who really don't care about any of this, but I just had to get my questions out into the void. The suspense is killing me.

Fact: Bears can crawl faster than they can run. Name that episode.

Questioning the universe,
Yenna

a few witches burning, gets a little toasty

Your body is yours. Even if those people try to tell you that it's not, that's complete crap. You can pretty much get up and take your body anywhere you want to take it and it's not going to stop you. We learn from our mistakes everyday...and I'm done judging people for the mistakes they make. I've probably made more. We can't change what happened yesterday and we certainly can't undo things we wish we hadn't done so we take care of it and move on.

I am not a madonna, but I am not a whore. It's like people think that if you're not one, then you must be the other. Well I'm afraid that's not how it works. We need to realize that there are no clear distinctions and rid the world of these ridiculous labels...like I said, your body is yours and no one but you can tell you what to do with it. It all goes back to guilt. Why does it always have to go back there?? Can a woman not have that duality inside her? The one part that listens to her parents and does what she's told, and then the other part that's not afraid to put on some thigh high patent leather boots and go out and get what she needs. Not that I want to wear thigh high patent leather boots, but if I did, why would that be so wrong? Why do I have to be judged because of it?

Ah lazy summer...spending the hours studying poetry and watching movies (and making a weekly $400) is not a bad way to spend my time. Peace out.

Embracing my inner feminist,
Jenna

i promise she will awake tomorrow somewhere

I made $185 today...just thought I'd shout that from the rooftops. While I constanly bemoan the existence of Applebee's in my life, sometimes it's pretty frickin' sweet. First round is on me tonight.

I'll get through this. Whatever happens and no matter how scary it may be I will get through this. I always do.

Bar. Drink. NOW.

those are cliffs of rock ahead if i'm not mistaken

Went to the city on Monday for the senior showcase...of course it was scary. What isn't scary these days? Everything I see and do reminds me of my impending future and the fact that I have no clue what I'm doing with my life. And I have to know. Soon. In a year. I took a wrong turn walking back to the train station and didn't know where the hell I was for about fifteen minutes. And I realized that I really have no idea where I'm going...in New York or in life. What if I've been making wrong turns my entire life? What if I turn around and I'm 30 years old and still working at Applebee's? What if I never find someone who I can spend my life with and all I have are cats to keep me company? Last night there was a stray cat wandering around outside my front door when I got home. Coincidence? I think not. They're already flocking to me.

Sometimes you laugh when I cry and you say "what" when I'm making perfect sense. When I make an effort to let you in to my head you just don't get it. And I don't blame you. But that's not how it should be. I don't know how it's supposed to be but I do know how it's not supposed to be. I've learned that by now.

Back to Applebee's tonight. If I don't make it out alive...love you all.

At your service,
Jenna

tell the northern lights to keep shining

Late Friday night...well, actually very, very early Saturday morning. Wide awake for some reason. I can finally breathe through my nose so I really ought to be sleeping. But alas I sit here pondering things that don't need to be pondered while my air conditioner yells at me. I wish he'd keep it down over there.

I'm not even sure what to say about today. All I can say is that I live my life the best way I know how and I am continually proud, everyday, of the choices I make and the people I make them with. No one EVER said I wasn't allowed to fuck up every now and then...I AM NOT PERFECT. I make mistakes. I'm sorry I can't live up to everything that you want me to be but I don't have to. I'm learning. Right now, I'm perfect enough for me and that's all that matters. I'm done with excuses and I'm done with being someone I'm not and I'm enough. And maybe all the sweat and tears in the world will never be enough to make you see that but I see it...and i'm ok.

Commencement tomorrow...love you all. Guess that makes me a senior now.

SO not vanilla,
Yenna


That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lose my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

and i will never need umbrellas in the rain

It's all happening again, presently. A hole opens sometimes that I fall through a bit like Alice in Wonderland...where memories come and chase me around for a while. Sometimes I feel like I live twenty lifetimes in ten minutes. There are little pieces of my life that I've blocked out, things that I only remember when I take my life apart...and I like that I can look back and have a good laugh. I'm breathing again. Finally. In. Out. Maybe someday I won't have to keep reminding myself.

Battlefied, Olive Garden, margaritas, Chris doing my hair, Jesse wearing my clothes, Carl breaking my bed, Zombie Prom, song selection...can this just be life from now on? The thought of Lansdale and Applebee's for two months kinda makes me wanna vom. Why am I not performing this summer? Depressing. But I'm not gonna feel sorry for myself...that's just silly. I guess I'll just keep trying.

Seabrook Island...3 months!!

Generally,
Jenna

bouncing off clouds

American Doll Posse came out today and it is officially UNREAL. Soooooo grand. I highly suggest downloading/buying it as soon as possible, even if you don't generally consider yourself a Tori fan. It's majorly rock and roll driven...so un-Tori but it fits her so well. It's a concept album...she sings from five different perspectives: herself, and then her four alter egos (Clyde, Isabel, Santa, and Pip). She's out of her mind and I love it. If you're not going to download the whole album, I highly suggest downloading "Big Wheel," "Bouncing Off Clouds," "Digital Ghost," "Girl Disappearing," and "Almost Rosey." But get the whole album. For reals.