so maybe we're a bliss of another kind

Bored...started watching In Her Shoes, Thelma & Louise, and Shakespeare In Love. Got twenty minutes into all three. I can't sit still. And yet here I am. Sitting. At home. Hopped up on caffeine and Vitamin Water. Can you be hopped up on Vitamin Water? I don't know but I think I am. So this is what it's like? Now I know what all the fuss is about.

The dance of lovers is always complicated and not all lovers are dancing to the same song at the same time...and therein lies the trial of basing a relationship on nothing but very intense mutual attraction. It will work if both people are equally invested in making it work. I'm invested. I think it can work. I really think it can. I think it's enough. Mom says it's not, but I want to prove her wrong. I want to prove everybody wrong. Everybody who's told me that I'm just "not the relationship type." Well what if I am??

Whatever this funk is, it won't last. Anyway, wanna buy a lemon?

Insanely yours,
J

i've never seen a light move like yours can do to me

Well I guess it's finally time for an entry in the old blog....

The truth is that I'm not very confident. No, that's not true. I'm just not as confident as I may seem. I would be lying if I said I had no insecurities. But I've just always been a more passive person and my opinion of myself varies from day to day. I don't always feel great. In fact, some days I feel pretty lousy. These insecurities are magnified when I'm in a relationship with someone. I'm constantly wondering, am I measuring up to their expectations? Am I everything that I said I was going to be? Are they just counting down the days until I'm out of their hair? And then I think I create a problem that, in reality, never existed in the first place and then I'm back where I started. Alone. I push people away until I push them hard enough that they can't take it anymore and then they're gone and I have to pick up the pieces yet again. Maybe this time will be different. I hope.

They say that eventually, a day will come where you know that everything starts right there. The first day of the rest of your life. I guess you know it when it happens...probably not the kind of thing you miss.

Still waiting,
Jenna

trusting my soul to the ice cream assassin

It is early July, yet it feels like a day in the middle of spring - it shouldn't really be a surprise though considering the erratic weather we've had all year. Strange year, that's for sure. So I guess you can't blame the weather when it's the circumstances making you sweat. To say I'm tired is the understatement of the fucking decade. But somehow I'm handling it. It's rolling off my back. But if I said there wasn't confusion, I'd be lying. There's always confusion, congestion, claustrophobia. But there's something else. Clarity. This may sound strange, but as I'm finding the things I don't like about myself, and starting to change them, everything's just becoming clearer. And for the first time ever I'm focusing on the inside without even realizing it. I used to feel like, "well, if I just change the outside, the inside will take care of itself." Well, I'm just now finding out that, guess what? that doesn't work. I'm finding myself smiling. I'm finding myself happy. How about that? Everywhere I look, damn. There I am.

This weekend: Friday, double shift at the Bee's...Saturday, DJ at Schmoxey's...Sunday, work at the Apple again. Should be relatively uneventful. But maybe I'll get lucky :)

R.I.P. Bailey...love you boy.

Love,
Jenna