baby i would let your darkness invade me

Alone at 2 AM.

Trust is a very scary word...trust encompasses so many things. Contrary to what we're often taught, trust is not believing that someone won't lie to us. Trust is believing that someone will tell us the truth. Trust is jumping in, totally blind, head first, scared to death and believing that we will not be allowed to fall. That there is someone there who is strong enough to catch us. Even though there's a part of us that wants to run screaming for the hills, we stay. I'm staying because it's right and to walk away would be cowardly. And I'm not a coward. As much as I feel like it shouldn't be this easy, I'm enjoying the beauty of the uncomplicated. I want to be where you are.

I spent too much money today...but I have some FABULOUS outfits (and "sinful undergarments"), so it's all worth it.

Wishin' & hopin' & thinkin' & prayin',
Jenna

girls who eat pizza and never gain weight

There are those girls who just have it so together. Everything is perfect...they look like they live their lives with a book balanced on their head and they eat whatever they want and stay a size 4, all while getting everything done days before it's due. I am not like that. My hair is usually a mess, I worry about everything, I spill coffee on everything I own, I'm in debt, I fall down the stairs, my sink is dirty, my clothes rarely match, and yes, occasionally I forget to brush my teeth. These girls make me feel like I don't have a right to exist. Like my whole life will be wasted fruitlessly striving for a kind of togetherness that I will never achieve. And it's really really tiring.

I'm tired of people being bad at what they do. Maybe I should just start telling people.

Come to my recital on Friday! I've worked too hard to walk out to five people, one of which is my poodle. Yes, I had that dream.

Love,
Jenna

feel those colors changing

Sometimes there is just something that needs to be said so badly that it takes every ounce of your being to not let it spill out everywhere. You literally have to bite your tongue and dig your nails into your palms because if you say it, people will be hurt, lives will be questioned, relationships will change, and there will probably be yelling. Lots of yelling. So you keep it inside. You don't say it. Because that would be selfish.

You can't always tell when someone is at the end of their rope. We are trained to hide. We need to prove that we are steel...solid in our beliefs, unwavering till the end. We're fine, we're fine, we're fine. But when does fine become too great a burden? What if we find ourselves questioning everything we've ever believed? What then? Does it really all find its way in time? It's hard to not feel the pressure to be tough all the time. Maybe we don't have to always be tough. Maybe it's okay to let our guard down and be honest with ourselves about how we feel. How about, "Ya know what? Yeah...this fucking sucks. I hate it. And I'm not gonna pretend that I'm ok with everything that's happening and I don't think it's fair and I'm fucking angry." But no. We get, "I'm fine." Enough is enough. Say exactly what you mean. Be impeccable with your word. Set yourself free. Cause lying is bullshit. I think you're bullshit. And from now on, I'm going to tell you.

Ran five miles yesterday...amazing what we're capable of doing when we stop fucking bitching.

Yeah bitches.

don't believe the lie your dragon needs slaying

I guess it's time for another entry in this thing, considering it's been about three months since the last one.

People are flawed. Unbelievably, hopelessly flawed. And no matter how invincible you imagine yourself to be, you are wrong. And no matter how invincible other people may pretend they are, they are just as flawed. The thing is, everything...things and people, are never what they seem and we can turn ourselves inside out to prove that we are better than everyone else but ultimately it only makes us worse. This self-loathing, insecure self-absorption creates a prison in our own lives. We're constantly comparing and wondering, what do they think of me? There's a reason we're actors...for some brief period of time we can pretend that we're fearless...a place where our weaknesses and insecurities can't haunt us and the judgment of others can't point fingers and taunt us until we're ready to scream. So what do we do when it's just us...when it's just us, our shoes, and our souls...what do we do? Let it go. Let go of the judgment, let go of the issues and insecurities...just let it go.

The truth hurts, but often you owe someone at least that much.

Good to be back,
Jenna