girls who eat pizza and never gain weight

There are those girls who just have it so together. Everything is perfect...they look like they live their lives with a book balanced on their head and they eat whatever they want and stay a size 4, all while getting everything done days before it's due. I am not like that. My hair is usually a mess, I worry about everything, I spill coffee on everything I own, I'm in debt, I fall down the stairs, my sink is dirty, my clothes rarely match, and yes, occasionally I forget to brush my teeth. These girls make me feel like I don't have a right to exist. Like my whole life will be wasted fruitlessly striving for a kind of togetherness that I will never achieve. And it's really really tiring.

I'm tired of people being bad at what they do. Maybe I should just start telling people.

Come to my recital on Friday! I've worked too hard to walk out to five people, one of which is my poodle. Yes, I had that dream.

Love,
Jenna

feel those colors changing

Sometimes there is just something that needs to be said so badly that it takes every ounce of your being to not let it spill out everywhere. You literally have to bite your tongue and dig your nails into your palms because if you say it, people will be hurt, lives will be questioned, relationships will change, and there will probably be yelling. Lots of yelling. So you keep it inside. You don't say it. Because that would be selfish.

You can't always tell when someone is at the end of their rope. We are trained to hide. We need to prove that we are steel...solid in our beliefs, unwavering till the end. We're fine, we're fine, we're fine. But when does fine become too great a burden? What if we find ourselves questioning everything we've ever believed? What then? Does it really all find its way in time? It's hard to not feel the pressure to be tough all the time. Maybe we don't have to always be tough. Maybe it's okay to let our guard down and be honest with ourselves about how we feel. How about, "Ya know what? Yeah...this fucking sucks. I hate it. And I'm not gonna pretend that I'm ok with everything that's happening and I don't think it's fair and I'm fucking angry." But no. We get, "I'm fine." Enough is enough. Say exactly what you mean. Be impeccable with your word. Set yourself free. Cause lying is bullshit. I think you're bullshit. And from now on, I'm going to tell you.

Ran five miles yesterday...amazing what we're capable of doing when we stop fucking bitching.

Yeah bitches.

don't believe the lie your dragon needs slaying

I guess it's time for another entry in this thing, considering it's been about three months since the last one.

People are flawed. Unbelievably, hopelessly flawed. And no matter how invincible you imagine yourself to be, you are wrong. And no matter how invincible other people may pretend they are, they are just as flawed. The thing is, everything...things and people, are never what they seem and we can turn ourselves inside out to prove that we are better than everyone else but ultimately it only makes us worse. This self-loathing, insecure self-absorption creates a prison in our own lives. We're constantly comparing and wondering, what do they think of me? There's a reason we're actors...for some brief period of time we can pretend that we're fearless...a place where our weaknesses and insecurities can't haunt us and the judgment of others can't point fingers and taunt us until we're ready to scream. So what do we do when it's just us...when it's just us, our shoes, and our souls...what do we do? Let it go. Let go of the judgment, let go of the issues and insecurities...just let it go.

The truth hurts, but often you owe someone at least that much.

Good to be back,
Jenna

i can feel the distance getting close

I really should get better about updating this blog...oh well.

So I've returned from my week-long sojourn to South Carolina. Many hours spent sunbathing on the beach (or should I say the BE-ach), drinking margs and daqs and chills, seeing angry gays quit Starbucks, re-enacting angry gays quitting Starbucks, as well as my many nicknames...much fun was had by all. I don't think I want to look at an alcoholic beverage for a while though. But all in all a great vacation, although I've come to the decision that I'm definitely a yankee through and through. If this were 1860, I'm pretty sure what side I'd be on. Sorry Ulysses, but I'm sticking with the blue team.

Two and a half weeks left to make as much money as possible before I go back to choir hell...no Joe Miller Special for me. On an unrelated note...I am not a mind reader. I've never claimed to have any powers of clairvoyance. In order for this to work I need to know how you feel and might I add this is not a crazy expectation. This is all far too ambiguous for my liking. I need help.

Okay...after 14 hours in the car, it's definitely time for bed.

Love,
Jenna "I couldn't stop in time" Tomsko aka
General Genital aka
Carpet Shark aka
Jenna "why does this always happen when I'm driving?" Tomsko

so maybe we're a bliss of another kind

Bored...started watching In Her Shoes, Thelma & Louise, and Shakespeare In Love. Got twenty minutes into all three. I can't sit still. And yet here I am. Sitting. At home. Hopped up on caffeine and Vitamin Water. Can you be hopped up on Vitamin Water? I don't know but I think I am. So this is what it's like? Now I know what all the fuss is about.

The dance of lovers is always complicated and not all lovers are dancing to the same song at the same time...and therein lies the trial of basing a relationship on nothing but very intense mutual attraction. It will work if both people are equally invested in making it work. I'm invested. I think it can work. I really think it can. I think it's enough. Mom says it's not, but I want to prove her wrong. I want to prove everybody wrong. Everybody who's told me that I'm just "not the relationship type." Well what if I am??

Whatever this funk is, it won't last. Anyway, wanna buy a lemon?

Insanely yours,
J

i've never seen a light move like yours can do to me

Well I guess it's finally time for an entry in the old blog....

The truth is that I'm not very confident. No, that's not true. I'm just not as confident as I may seem. I would be lying if I said I had no insecurities. But I've just always been a more passive person and my opinion of myself varies from day to day. I don't always feel great. In fact, some days I feel pretty lousy. These insecurities are magnified when I'm in a relationship with someone. I'm constantly wondering, am I measuring up to their expectations? Am I everything that I said I was going to be? Are they just counting down the days until I'm out of their hair? And then I think I create a problem that, in reality, never existed in the first place and then I'm back where I started. Alone. I push people away until I push them hard enough that they can't take it anymore and then they're gone and I have to pick up the pieces yet again. Maybe this time will be different. I hope.

They say that eventually, a day will come where you know that everything starts right there. The first day of the rest of your life. I guess you know it when it happens...probably not the kind of thing you miss.

Still waiting,
Jenna

trusting my soul to the ice cream assassin

It is early July, yet it feels like a day in the middle of spring - it shouldn't really be a surprise though considering the erratic weather we've had all year. Strange year, that's for sure. So I guess you can't blame the weather when it's the circumstances making you sweat. To say I'm tired is the understatement of the fucking decade. But somehow I'm handling it. It's rolling off my back. But if I said there wasn't confusion, I'd be lying. There's always confusion, congestion, claustrophobia. But there's something else. Clarity. This may sound strange, but as I'm finding the things I don't like about myself, and starting to change them, everything's just becoming clearer. And for the first time ever I'm focusing on the inside without even realizing it. I used to feel like, "well, if I just change the outside, the inside will take care of itself." Well, I'm just now finding out that, guess what? that doesn't work. I'm finding myself smiling. I'm finding myself happy. How about that? Everywhere I look, damn. There I am.

This weekend: Friday, double shift at the Bee's...Saturday, DJ at Schmoxey's...Sunday, work at the Apple again. Should be relatively uneventful. But maybe I'll get lucky :)

R.I.P. Bailey...love you boy.

Love,
Jenna