I don't know if I'll ever really be able to keep still. It's just something I've never been particularly good at...staying in one place. Or staying with one person for that matter. Going to...my life is so much about where or what I'm going to. Instead of what is happening right now, in this moment, it's "what are we going to?" Maybe it's because I've spent the last three years of my life moving around and finding different homes and living in different rooms. And will soon be doing it again. Maybe it's because the one person who I ever wanted to stay with didn't want to stay with me. I don't like to commit and I don't want to settle down...it gives me hives to think about it. I hyperventilate and sweat and my mouth gets dry and I just can't do it. And it's not because I'm scared or running away or hiding. It's not a defense mechanism. I want it someday. Just not now.
The hard part of it, the bad part, the Jerry Springer show part is that you never really stop loving someone, no matter what they've done. There's always a piece of them inside you whether you like it or not.
It is beautiful outside! I can't wait till I can actually enjoy it! One more week of class, plus a presentation and two papers (that's three more Nova classes)...then I am done. Thank God. For reals. Come to the ensemble showcase tonight. We're fierce.
Hungrier than usual,
Jenna
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