leave them troubled boys all behind

I think we all struggle with fear. Even those of us who pretend that nothing ever scares us, deep down we're like five year-olds who need to sleep with the light on during a thunderstorm. Letting someone into your life is the scariest thing of all. I am absolutely frightened of how much I want this...I'm scared of ruining it, I'm scared of getting hurt, I'm scared of hurting someone, I'm scared of losing. But I think we have to do it afraid. If we didn't do things afraid, nothing would ever get done I suppose. "Fear means that you still have something to lose." Truer words were never spoken. I don't want to lose this. I am in this. Completely. It's scary how completely.

The semester is over...well, with the exception of a final that I have to turn in by Tuesday. The fall flew by. Way too fast. I just kind of feel like it's all ending...my senior recital is over, I'm applying for summerstock auditions, and soon my last semester of college will be over and then where does that leave me? I've never not known what's next, and I literally have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing. It's just a fog. Mist. Abyss. Clouds. Whatever.

Applebee's sucks.
Jenna

baby i would let your darkness invade me

Alone at 2 AM.

Trust is a very scary word...trust encompasses so many things. Contrary to what we're often taught, trust is not believing that someone won't lie to us. Trust is believing that someone will tell us the truth. Trust is jumping in, totally blind, head first, scared to death and believing that we will not be allowed to fall. That there is someone there who is strong enough to catch us. Even though there's a part of us that wants to run screaming for the hills, we stay. I'm staying because it's right and to walk away would be cowardly. And I'm not a coward. As much as I feel like it shouldn't be this easy, I'm enjoying the beauty of the uncomplicated. I want to be where you are.

I spent too much money today...but I have some FABULOUS outfits (and "sinful undergarments"), so it's all worth it.

Wishin' & hopin' & thinkin' & prayin',
Jenna

girls who eat pizza and never gain weight

There are those girls who just have it so together. Everything is perfect...they look like they live their lives with a book balanced on their head and they eat whatever they want and stay a size 4, all while getting everything done days before it's due. I am not like that. My hair is usually a mess, I worry about everything, I spill coffee on everything I own, I'm in debt, I fall down the stairs, my sink is dirty, my clothes rarely match, and yes, occasionally I forget to brush my teeth. These girls make me feel like I don't have a right to exist. Like my whole life will be wasted fruitlessly striving for a kind of togetherness that I will never achieve. And it's really really tiring.

I'm tired of people being bad at what they do. Maybe I should just start telling people.

Come to my recital on Friday! I've worked too hard to walk out to five people, one of which is my poodle. Yes, I had that dream.

Love,
Jenna

feel those colors changing

Sometimes there is just something that needs to be said so badly that it takes every ounce of your being to not let it spill out everywhere. You literally have to bite your tongue and dig your nails into your palms because if you say it, people will be hurt, lives will be questioned, relationships will change, and there will probably be yelling. Lots of yelling. So you keep it inside. You don't say it. Because that would be selfish.

You can't always tell when someone is at the end of their rope. We are trained to hide. We need to prove that we are steel...solid in our beliefs, unwavering till the end. We're fine, we're fine, we're fine. But when does fine become too great a burden? What if we find ourselves questioning everything we've ever believed? What then? Does it really all find its way in time? It's hard to not feel the pressure to be tough all the time. Maybe we don't have to always be tough. Maybe it's okay to let our guard down and be honest with ourselves about how we feel. How about, "Ya know what? Yeah...this fucking sucks. I hate it. And I'm not gonna pretend that I'm ok with everything that's happening and I don't think it's fair and I'm fucking angry." But no. We get, "I'm fine." Enough is enough. Say exactly what you mean. Be impeccable with your word. Set yourself free. Cause lying is bullshit. I think you're bullshit. And from now on, I'm going to tell you.

Ran five miles yesterday...amazing what we're capable of doing when we stop fucking bitching.

Yeah bitches.

don't believe the lie your dragon needs slaying

I guess it's time for another entry in this thing, considering it's been about three months since the last one.

People are flawed. Unbelievably, hopelessly flawed. And no matter how invincible you imagine yourself to be, you are wrong. And no matter how invincible other people may pretend they are, they are just as flawed. The thing is, everything...things and people, are never what they seem and we can turn ourselves inside out to prove that we are better than everyone else but ultimately it only makes us worse. This self-loathing, insecure self-absorption creates a prison in our own lives. We're constantly comparing and wondering, what do they think of me? There's a reason we're actors...for some brief period of time we can pretend that we're fearless...a place where our weaknesses and insecurities can't haunt us and the judgment of others can't point fingers and taunt us until we're ready to scream. So what do we do when it's just us...when it's just us, our shoes, and our souls...what do we do? Let it go. Let go of the judgment, let go of the issues and insecurities...just let it go.

The truth hurts, but often you owe someone at least that much.

Good to be back,
Jenna

i can feel the distance getting close

I really should get better about updating this blog...oh well.

So I've returned from my week-long sojourn to South Carolina. Many hours spent sunbathing on the beach (or should I say the BE-ach), drinking margs and daqs and chills, seeing angry gays quit Starbucks, re-enacting angry gays quitting Starbucks, as well as my many nicknames...much fun was had by all. I don't think I want to look at an alcoholic beverage for a while though. But all in all a great vacation, although I've come to the decision that I'm definitely a yankee through and through. If this were 1860, I'm pretty sure what side I'd be on. Sorry Ulysses, but I'm sticking with the blue team.

Two and a half weeks left to make as much money as possible before I go back to choir hell...no Joe Miller Special for me. On an unrelated note...I am not a mind reader. I've never claimed to have any powers of clairvoyance. In order for this to work I need to know how you feel and might I add this is not a crazy expectation. This is all far too ambiguous for my liking. I need help.

Okay...after 14 hours in the car, it's definitely time for bed.

Love,
Jenna "I couldn't stop in time" Tomsko aka
General Genital aka
Carpet Shark aka
Jenna "why does this always happen when I'm driving?" Tomsko

so maybe we're a bliss of another kind

Bored...started watching In Her Shoes, Thelma & Louise, and Shakespeare In Love. Got twenty minutes into all three. I can't sit still. And yet here I am. Sitting. At home. Hopped up on caffeine and Vitamin Water. Can you be hopped up on Vitamin Water? I don't know but I think I am. So this is what it's like? Now I know what all the fuss is about.

The dance of lovers is always complicated and not all lovers are dancing to the same song at the same time...and therein lies the trial of basing a relationship on nothing but very intense mutual attraction. It will work if both people are equally invested in making it work. I'm invested. I think it can work. I really think it can. I think it's enough. Mom says it's not, but I want to prove her wrong. I want to prove everybody wrong. Everybody who's told me that I'm just "not the relationship type." Well what if I am??

Whatever this funk is, it won't last. Anyway, wanna buy a lemon?

Insanely yours,
J

i've never seen a light move like yours can do to me

Well I guess it's finally time for an entry in the old blog....

The truth is that I'm not very confident. No, that's not true. I'm just not as confident as I may seem. I would be lying if I said I had no insecurities. But I've just always been a more passive person and my opinion of myself varies from day to day. I don't always feel great. In fact, some days I feel pretty lousy. These insecurities are magnified when I'm in a relationship with someone. I'm constantly wondering, am I measuring up to their expectations? Am I everything that I said I was going to be? Are they just counting down the days until I'm out of their hair? And then I think I create a problem that, in reality, never existed in the first place and then I'm back where I started. Alone. I push people away until I push them hard enough that they can't take it anymore and then they're gone and I have to pick up the pieces yet again. Maybe this time will be different. I hope.

They say that eventually, a day will come where you know that everything starts right there. The first day of the rest of your life. I guess you know it when it happens...probably not the kind of thing you miss.

Still waiting,
Jenna

trusting my soul to the ice cream assassin

It is early July, yet it feels like a day in the middle of spring - it shouldn't really be a surprise though considering the erratic weather we've had all year. Strange year, that's for sure. So I guess you can't blame the weather when it's the circumstances making you sweat. To say I'm tired is the understatement of the fucking decade. But somehow I'm handling it. It's rolling off my back. But if I said there wasn't confusion, I'd be lying. There's always confusion, congestion, claustrophobia. But there's something else. Clarity. This may sound strange, but as I'm finding the things I don't like about myself, and starting to change them, everything's just becoming clearer. And for the first time ever I'm focusing on the inside without even realizing it. I used to feel like, "well, if I just change the outside, the inside will take care of itself." Well, I'm just now finding out that, guess what? that doesn't work. I'm finding myself smiling. I'm finding myself happy. How about that? Everywhere I look, damn. There I am.

This weekend: Friday, double shift at the Bee's...Saturday, DJ at Schmoxey's...Sunday, work at the Apple again. Should be relatively uneventful. But maybe I'll get lucky :)

R.I.P. Bailey...love you boy.

Love,
Jenna

you stop in at my drive-through

Back in Lansdale for the remainder of the summer....



Content for the moment. Taking my time...one day at a time. I keep running into people from high school. I certainly hope I'm better than I was then. Rather than just older. I'm in a good place I think. People can tell you that you're goals are silly or that you're going to be in the same place for the rest of your life but I'm discovering that you don't have to believe them. When people tell you you're wonderful, just believe it. I think for some reason falling for someone makes every little detail matter, or rather not matter. Food tastes better, little squabbles become inconsquential, things just seem a little brighter. Yes, it feels different. But it's a good different. Even though I vacillate on a daily basis, I'm beginning to realize what I want. And need.

It's amazing how one thing can bring back everything from the past so clearly. No matter how past something you may think you are, it's impossible to not occasionally recall the pain that you felt for so long and to think it almost hurts more than it did a year ago. I used to have your face memorized...every last detail. I can't remember any of you anymore. And it's surprisingly bittersweet.

It's been a good week. Back to work tomorrow.

Reminiscing,
J

Wanna go??

The Lake Isle of Innisfree

I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree,
And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made;
Nine bean-rows will I have there, a hive for the honey bee,
And live alone in the bee-loud glade.

And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,
Dropping from the veils of morning to where the cricket sings;
There midnight's all a glimmer, and noon a purple glow,
And evening full of the linnet's wings.

I will arise and go now, for always night and day
I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;
While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements grey,
I hear it in the deep heart's core.
- W.B. Yeats

my words jump off my pen and into your pages

Well I guess I'll update since it was requested :-).......

Let's face it. These days, it's easy do to a whole lot with a whole little...I'm very encouraged by people who have made this their mantra and have made it work for them. It is always good to be grateful. Things can always get worse. I'm proud of the people who just try. I'm trying. When you wake up in the morning and look in the mirror, you're not allowed to just see the problems. You must see the beauty too. And I'm not just talking about the way you look, although that's the first step (a step I still struggle with). This is difficult but with every day that passes it becomes easier and easier. There is beauty on the inside and the more you observe this the more you notice the outer beauty. Beauty is everywhere no matter how depressing and lonely some places may seem.

Reconnecting with the past...Ani was right. There's nothing like looking at your own history in the faces of your friends.

That red menace said it better than anyone. It is a very quiet thing. The beauty is easy. Class will be over soon! Then I get to stay in one place for a whole two months. Crazy.

Love,
Jenna

you fly alone now and you cry sometimes

Where do I begin? This last week has been a whirlwind...back and forth from Pennsylvania to Princeton to Pennsylvania and back again. I've just come back to Princeton today after a night in Lansdale, then it's back to Lansdale tomorrow night for work. Then travelling through the endless Pennsylvania farm country for five hours on Friday, hopefully arriving in Pittsburgh before midnight. I know this weekend is going to bring some stress and sadness, but it's just one more thing. With everything else going on, I think I can handle it. Then once again heading back to Princeton on Sunday in time to say bye-bye to Stearns before he goes off to Cape Cod forever and ever :( Can't I stay put for just a little while? Can't anyone stay put for little while? Maybe then I could learn to just be still.

Something's gotta give, sooner or later. Until then, it's me and my Ford Focus for a while. Indefinitely.

The constant traveller,
Yenna

and he waits till she can give

Very interesting weekend, I must say. Somehow I managed to work twenty-five hours and still get myself in some trouble. I don't know how I do it. I'd rather not discuss Thursday night...what happened? Not that I could really tell you, but suffice it to say that I have horrible word vomit (and regular old vomit as well) when I'm drunk. There is a complete disconnect between my brain and my mouth after a few rum and cokes and I have no control over what I say. Things that I would never think to tell anyone about in everyday life come spilling out without warning. I'm still biding my time over this thing and maybe I just need to make a decision. Shit or get off the pot, as they say. Saturday = awesome. Made $170 and introduced my best friend in the whole world to the Lansdale bar scene. Needless to say, she's hooked.

Going to bars on the weekends with my friends is not pointless, Argument #1: Shawn offered me a job filling in for him for karaoke and DJing...$100 - $200 a night. And private parties. Not bad at all. But the question is, do I have the kind of time to dedicate to another commitment? Work and school already keeps me busy and if I'm going to do it I want to do it well. I think it would be fun and it's closer to what I want to do eventually, right? So why not? Time for a pro/con list. That's the only way to make decisions in life.

New laptop = LOVE. Thank you :)

HAPPY 21ST CHRIS!!

- Jenna

i know she's playing poker with the rest of the stragglers

Someone a lot smarter than me once said, "Don't put off until tomorrow that which you can do today." I don't know who said it, but still, very good advice. Trouble is, I'm feeling a little too much like Miss Scarlett lately. "I'll just think about it tomorrow." That's all well and good, except that the tomorrows keep coming and I never think about it. The other night, after scrubbing the smell of boneless wings and oriental salad dressing off of me, I sat counting my tip money and I got to thinking...maybe I don't need more. Maybe this is enough. WHAT??!!! Did I really just think that? This will never be enough. What happened to the girl who always wanted more? Who was never satisfied with just being normal? She's in here somewhere, right? I remember when the unknown was exciting...change was awesome and not knowing where you were going was fun. So when did it stop being fun and start being scary?

My new laptop arrived today! I'm a lucky gal :-) Question: How in the hell am I going to wait until FEBRUARY for a new episode of LOST??!!! How can the producers do this to us? I don't know about anyone else but I'm ready to personally telephone Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindeloff and tell them that they better have a new episode by October or I'm staging a protest. Question: What the hell happened on that island? What did Jack do that he feels so guilty about? Was he forced to let everyone else die in order to save himself and Kate? When he said "forgive me" on the bridge, who was he talking about? And Kate...who is the "he" that was waiting for her? Sawyer?? And who was in the casket? Ben? Locke? What happened to Juliette? How does Ben know that Naomi is an enemy and why is it bad that they contacted that ship? And is Charlie really gone for good? Oh and how does Locke know that Naomi isn't who she says she is? Sorry to the non-Losties who really don't care about any of this, but I just had to get my questions out into the void. The suspense is killing me.

Fact: Bears can crawl faster than they can run. Name that episode.

Questioning the universe,
Yenna

a few witches burning, gets a little toasty

Your body is yours. Even if those people try to tell you that it's not, that's complete crap. You can pretty much get up and take your body anywhere you want to take it and it's not going to stop you. We learn from our mistakes everyday...and I'm done judging people for the mistakes they make. I've probably made more. We can't change what happened yesterday and we certainly can't undo things we wish we hadn't done so we take care of it and move on.

I am not a madonna, but I am not a whore. It's like people think that if you're not one, then you must be the other. Well I'm afraid that's not how it works. We need to realize that there are no clear distinctions and rid the world of these ridiculous labels...like I said, your body is yours and no one but you can tell you what to do with it. It all goes back to guilt. Why does it always have to go back there?? Can a woman not have that duality inside her? The one part that listens to her parents and does what she's told, and then the other part that's not afraid to put on some thigh high patent leather boots and go out and get what she needs. Not that I want to wear thigh high patent leather boots, but if I did, why would that be so wrong? Why do I have to be judged because of it?

Ah lazy summer...spending the hours studying poetry and watching movies (and making a weekly $400) is not a bad way to spend my time. Peace out.

Embracing my inner feminist,
Jenna

i promise she will awake tomorrow somewhere

I made $185 today...just thought I'd shout that from the rooftops. While I constanly bemoan the existence of Applebee's in my life, sometimes it's pretty frickin' sweet. First round is on me tonight.

I'll get through this. Whatever happens and no matter how scary it may be I will get through this. I always do.

Bar. Drink. NOW.

those are cliffs of rock ahead if i'm not mistaken

Went to the city on Monday for the senior showcase...of course it was scary. What isn't scary these days? Everything I see and do reminds me of my impending future and the fact that I have no clue what I'm doing with my life. And I have to know. Soon. In a year. I took a wrong turn walking back to the train station and didn't know where the hell I was for about fifteen minutes. And I realized that I really have no idea where I'm going...in New York or in life. What if I've been making wrong turns my entire life? What if I turn around and I'm 30 years old and still working at Applebee's? What if I never find someone who I can spend my life with and all I have are cats to keep me company? Last night there was a stray cat wandering around outside my front door when I got home. Coincidence? I think not. They're already flocking to me.

Sometimes you laugh when I cry and you say "what" when I'm making perfect sense. When I make an effort to let you in to my head you just don't get it. And I don't blame you. But that's not how it should be. I don't know how it's supposed to be but I do know how it's not supposed to be. I've learned that by now.

Back to Applebee's tonight. If I don't make it out alive...love you all.

At your service,
Jenna

tell the northern lights to keep shining

Late Friday night...well, actually very, very early Saturday morning. Wide awake for some reason. I can finally breathe through my nose so I really ought to be sleeping. But alas I sit here pondering things that don't need to be pondered while my air conditioner yells at me. I wish he'd keep it down over there.

I'm not even sure what to say about today. All I can say is that I live my life the best way I know how and I am continually proud, everyday, of the choices I make and the people I make them with. No one EVER said I wasn't allowed to fuck up every now and then...I AM NOT PERFECT. I make mistakes. I'm sorry I can't live up to everything that you want me to be but I don't have to. I'm learning. Right now, I'm perfect enough for me and that's all that matters. I'm done with excuses and I'm done with being someone I'm not and I'm enough. And maybe all the sweat and tears in the world will never be enough to make you see that but I see it...and i'm ok.

Commencement tomorrow...love you all. Guess that makes me a senior now.

SO not vanilla,
Yenna


That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lose my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

and i will never need umbrellas in the rain

It's all happening again, presently. A hole opens sometimes that I fall through a bit like Alice in Wonderland...where memories come and chase me around for a while. Sometimes I feel like I live twenty lifetimes in ten minutes. There are little pieces of my life that I've blocked out, things that I only remember when I take my life apart...and I like that I can look back and have a good laugh. I'm breathing again. Finally. In. Out. Maybe someday I won't have to keep reminding myself.

Battlefied, Olive Garden, margaritas, Chris doing my hair, Jesse wearing my clothes, Carl breaking my bed, Zombie Prom, song selection...can this just be life from now on? The thought of Lansdale and Applebee's for two months kinda makes me wanna vom. Why am I not performing this summer? Depressing. But I'm not gonna feel sorry for myself...that's just silly. I guess I'll just keep trying.

Seabrook Island...3 months!!

Generally,
Jenna

bouncing off clouds

American Doll Posse came out today and it is officially UNREAL. Soooooo grand. I highly suggest downloading/buying it as soon as possible, even if you don't generally consider yourself a Tori fan. It's majorly rock and roll driven...so un-Tori but it fits her so well. It's a concept album...she sings from five different perspectives: herself, and then her four alter egos (Clyde, Isabel, Santa, and Pip). She's out of her mind and I love it. If you're not going to download the whole album, I highly suggest downloading "Big Wheel," "Bouncing Off Clouds," "Digital Ghost," "Girl Disappearing," and "Almost Rosey." But get the whole album. For reals.

and spring brings fresh little puddles that makes it all clear

Epiphanies. I need a vacation. But I hate vacations because I never know what to do with my time. Classes are over, so that's nearly a vacation in itself. And I'm almost officially a senior in college which is decidedly one of the scariest things I've ever had to think about.

I've made some bad decisions in my life so far, mostly in the last three years. I've done things that I'm not necessarily proud of...things I wouldn't go shouting from the rooftops with wild abandon. But that doesn't mean I regret them and it doesn't mean I'd ever go back and un-do them. Whatever decision was made seemed perfect at the time and if I hadn't made that decision how would I be different right now? Even if I never get the closure that I'm searching for, I don't think it really matters. There's this stream that runs up in the Rockies, and it empties into a bigger stream and then to a river but never to the ocean...and I was thinking about this whole concept of closure and being "whole" again and I realized that maybe you don't have to make it to the ocean to be whole again. Maybe you'll never be quite what you were before and that's ok I think.

It's been quite a year...I can't even begin to put it into words. I think the big lesson in this whole year has been that there just isn't a resolve for many things. Life isn't about, "well if I just get over this peak, it's over." There are about 5,000 more peaks in the distance...and while that's scary, it's also pretty damn exciting.

Finally out of the woods,
Yenna Dough Tuna Tomsko :-)

but fire thought she'd really rather be water instead

I don't know if I'll ever really be able to keep still. It's just something I've never been particularly good at...staying in one place. Or staying with one person for that matter. Going to...my life is so much about where or what I'm going to. Instead of what is happening right now, in this moment, it's "what are we going to?" Maybe it's because I've spent the last three years of my life moving around and finding different homes and living in different rooms. And will soon be doing it again. Maybe it's because the one person who I ever wanted to stay with didn't want to stay with me. I don't like to commit and I don't want to settle down...it gives me hives to think about it. I hyperventilate and sweat and my mouth gets dry and I just can't do it. And it's not because I'm scared or running away or hiding. It's not a defense mechanism. I want it someday. Just not now.

The hard part of it, the bad part, the Jerry Springer show part is that you never really stop loving someone, no matter what they've done. There's always a piece of them inside you whether you like it or not.

It is beautiful outside! I can't wait till I can actually enjoy it! One more week of class, plus a presentation and two papers (that's three more Nova classes)...then I am done. Thank God. For reals. Come to the ensemble showcase tonight. We're fierce.

Hungrier than usual,
Jenna

and there's no sign of a parachute

You hear all these stories about angels that come and save certain people...they're beautiful stories. Really. But what about the mother whose child is viciously killed in cold blood by a psychopath on a murderous rampage? What were the angels smoking when that happened? What do you say? That their kid wasn't worthy? That it's all for the best or that God has a plan? Fuck that shit. I get so angry sometimes about the way of things. These stupid, senseless things that happen to innocent people. And to say "Thy will be done" just doesn't work anymore. It's hollow. How does that possibly comfort a parent that now has to exist in a world where her child doesn't?

I don't have the answers. About a lot of things. About most things. But I guess we have to understand and come to terms with the fact that the angels aren't there for everybody all the time. They get lost along the way. I wish I knew why they can't be there for everybody, but they just aren't. They can do amazing things but they can also really let us down sometimes.

There are times when you just have to surrender to the eternal need to be fulfilled. And that is fine...it's not giving up or giving in. You're not losing, you're gaining. I guess at some point you just have to let someone help you. It's not so bad actually.

Endlessly and eternally grateful,
Yenna

you know the truth lies in between the 1st and the 40th drink

Drunken moments...they're so few and far between these days but yet you never forget how to do it. Captain Morgan and I will not be hanging out again for quite some time. And I think it's better that way. Much better. I'm learning to let things go and drinking only brings all that old, ugly stuff to the surface. That whole twisted thing is over and for the first time I absolutely mean it.

History has recorded some pretty nasty things that have happened to people. I think we remember it. I think it's in our cells and I think it can still hurt sometimes. Crazy thought, huh?

Planning the recital...so many ideas! I know it's so far off but it's beginning to come together. It's just nesting for now and planting its seeds but I think it's going to be fabulous.

Inspired and alive,
Jenna :-)

but i believe in peace, bitch

That's the truth. Peace is my thing. Keeping the peace, staying out of the drama. This is what I'm good at (among other things). That being said, if you push the wrong buttons, peace flies out the window. Trust me, I am NOT afraid to get my ghetto out if the need arises. Before you start jumping to conclusions about me and my motives and what I said or didn't say, why don't you walk up to me and confront me about it FACE to FACE. Clearly, you're much too afraid and that's fine. It's your life...if you would like to continue losing friends then that's your decision. I do not spread lies...I think it's time to turn the mirror and decide who it is who's really spreading lies. If it makes you feel better about your life to ruin someone else's, more power to you. My opinions are just that...opinions. Whether you think they're right or wrong doesn't change the fact that they are MINE and I will not change them for anyone.

You can call someone evil because of something you think she's done to you. In your mind, you think that she's done something horrible and vindictive, and you don't look at the role you might have played in the situation. You know exactly what you're up to, even if you don't want to admit it.

Foolish symphonic concert...two more weeks. I can make it.

They came to turn our water off yesterday...who knew? Certainly not us. We've never gotten a bill so I think there was a miscommunication somewhere. Considering that water is a bare necessity...ya know, that whole thing where one requires it to live...should it not be free? Whatever. For now we have water so we're ok.

Awaiting drunkenness,
J-To

guess i'm way beyond the pale

Two halves equal a whole...not a difficult concept. When you're constantly searching for the other half to make your whole you forget to make sure that you, yourself, are all there. You get so far beyond yourself and suddenly your life is this other person and you wonder how you got there. You tell yourself, this is not where I intended to be. You thought you would be whole but then you realize that that's never really possible and then you're worse off than you were before. Now there's a whole chunk missing and you have to spend twice as much time repairing what's been taken away. You're pale. You're gone. The question then becomes, can you have two whole beings together, in a relationship? Because if you're whole to begin with then you can never really lose anything, right?

Sometimes we become so obsessed with making ourselves whole that we don't realize when we're taking away from the other people in our lives. I didn't mean to.

My friends and family will always be first...if I ever put anyone or anything in front of you when you are in need, slap me across the face and call me an asshole. I mean this.

LOST is fucking incredible, btw.

Lovingly loving you,
Yenna Dough :-)

father lucifer, you never looked so sane

I've decided that both heaven and hell can exist fully on earth, depending on your perspective that day. Ultimately, one little thing can turn your heavenly day into perfect hell...whether it's an offhand, insignificant remark that wasn't meant to be taken personally or a choir rehearsal that makes you want to tear your hair out. Or a crazy lady from North Carolina. All of a sudden you're having margaritas with the devil and you have no idea how you got there. And then all of a sudden he asks if you want to come in for coffee, and you're too damn scared to reject his invitation. Maybe I should learn to reject his advances.

Apparantly I'm a better actor than I think I am. This is encouraging. Maybe imperfection is what I'm looking for. I don't need perfect...who wants perfect? I'm much more interested in fucking up, trying again, and learning as I go. Maybe this time I won't fuck up. But then again, maybe I will. But that's what we're here for, right?

Junior cabaret = over. Hallelujah. I'm proud of us...the mighty eight.

So blogging? Do we like it? Either way, there will be NO dramatic readings.

Oversexed and underworked,
Jenna :-)